Symptoms:
✊🏻It’s like a constant state of put your head down and keep moving forward fighting for what is right, but at the same time, constantly feeling physically sick to your stomach.
✊🏻Your body is so confused. Sleep is weird, your stomach is angry, you are a strange form of outrage, despair, and you know deep feelings of trauma are there, but your body is in it, you can’t function normally, and you can’t deal with those right now because you have more important things to do. Like fight for black people’s right to be ALIVE.
Truth:
It’s not about us. With the full knowledge black people have had to fight alone for generations; be an ally. For those of you who are white you are probably just now realizing black people have had recurring, oppressive trauma their entire lives, and generations before them. This is not new to them. It’s not JUST their trauma, it’s GENERATIONAL trauma. It is time for you to put your ego aside ( been there, more on that later) and learn. Grow. You can read a book. Listen to podcasts with voices who differ from your viewpoint or experience. Ego is a refusal to grow. Ego is a refusal to admit wrong. Put your Ego aside and learn to do better. Do better. Grow.
Embarrassed To Say, Been There:
Yikes: Up until I was 19/20 years old, I was a walking talking point of race and economic knowledge. I repeated only phrases I’d been told to believe or heard on the news. I had no depth of understanding on the topics, I only knew, mainly Republican, talking points. Deep in my empathetic heart I knew I disagreed, but I people pleased my way through politics and social issues. I regret that to this day and will work the rest of my life trying to do better.
Fast forward: As a freshman in college living in a city (Chicago) for the first time in my life; I learned I was the definition of sheltered, naive Catholic school girl. Think of believing you are blind only to be told that you can open your eyelids and see. That was me. Unfortunately along the way, I’m pretty sure I hurt a lot of people with my ignorance. And my naive baby heart held so tight for so long until I was ready to put my ego aside and do better. From race to social issues I learned life by meeting so many beautiful people different from me and taking college courses on sociology and psychology.
These experiences brought me slowly, but surely to the conclusion that what I had parroted my whole life was so wrong. And, man, is that a humbling experience. AND Learning I was wrong was the best experience of my life. Life changing. I learned better, so I did better (Thank you Dr. Maya Angelou). Turns out, in college classes opinions don’t count as facts and facts have to be proven by unbiased sources and research. (“Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.” -unknown.) I had my heart all along, it was just too blinded by ego and talking points to grow in education and knowledge. I’m not proud of that. But that journey made me.
If you are arriving to the party this late: admit you were wrong. Admit you’re learning to do better. True integrity is admitting you were wrong, and changing.
If you, like me, are currently in a state of trauma, chronic stress, and at times, despair for the world: there needs to be time to recharge. BUT Let your only fuel be fighting for the rights of those who don’t have them. Full stop. Not because it’s trendy. Not because others see you checking your fight against racism box. Not because you feel like if you don’t do anything it’s embarrassing. Not because you feel guilty. Only from a selfless, just fight for the equity of those you know and those you don’t. From that fuel, and that fuel only, recharge and take care of you. Let it open your eyes to the many reasons we need to continue to learn to do better. Let it open your eyes to WHY protests and MASSIVE structural changes are not just necessary, but life and death for black people.
These feelings are so complex. I don’t begin to pretend to say it well. I’m imperfect in my allyship. But I continue to strive for learning. Striving to be the best ally everyone else deserves. If you’re feeling this way, congratulations, you have a heart who feels deeply for others and is brave enough to use it. I’m with you, gosh dammit it’s f*^#+*} hard. But I know we won’t regret being unabashedly ourselves. Being unashamed in the pursuit of bettering ourselves as allies. Unashamed at bettering the world for others. And unabashedly talking and questioning in hopes of changing the hearts of those too scared to learn, change, & do better for people they don’t know.
Informed Artist 